Diluted Sunshine - Forgetting What I Know

From reading the other's posts today, I feel I can share some of the feelings.

I seemed to have developed a great sadness inside me that I could not talk

about. It wasn't acceptable to, and even if I did, I never got a solid answer.

Something always happened to curtail the sunshine, so it was wise to not

be too idealistic, yet, inside the idealist is alive and well, that wants everything

perfect. And it is also wise not to dwell, but to gain understanding. Also, I have

no power over other people's choices. So, when I was 15 or so my godfather,

only young, was hit by a car on a morning ride and fell into a coma, and died

not long afterwards, leaving a young family. He was a lovely man, and I have

had to go within and heal my feelings of injustice over this event, that happened

a long time ago. Then a couple of years later, my grandmother, who lived with

us, died very suddenly from a stroke, just before my cousin's wedding, that she

was looking forward to very much. I was so upset at the funeral, and I missed

my grandmother, who was always full of uncommon wisdom. Then not long

after that my parents split, so there was a bit of confusion there, too. During

this time one of our friends took his own life, so this was another source of

confusion. This confusion, the diluted sunlight, has occupied my thoughts for

years. Part of me blamed myself for not being there, or being able to prevent

these things that seemed to happen so carelessly, as acts of God. Which of

course was a simple answer at the time, that did not serve me well as the

years went by. My idea of living and life has changed. Now I have to make

sure I don't forget what I know now, which is a lot different to the thoughts

I had back then, which were typical possibly, for my age. And I don't "blame"

myself for stuff as much anymore, but this would go on the map of the heart,

I think.

copyright Monika Roleff 2006.