Diluted Sunshine - Forgetting What I Know
From reading the other's posts today, I feel I can share some of the feelings.
I seemed to have developed a great sadness inside me that I could not talk
about. It wasn't acceptable to, and even if I did, I never got a solid answer.
Something always happened to curtail the sunshine, so it was wise to not
be too idealistic, yet, inside the idealist is alive and well, that wants everything
perfect. And it is also wise not to dwell, but to gain understanding. Also, I have
no power over other people's choices. So, when I was 15 or so my godfather,
only young, was hit by a car on a morning ride and fell into a coma, and died
not long afterwards, leaving a young family. He was a lovely man, and I have
had to go within and heal my feelings of injustice over this event, that happened
a long time ago. Then a couple of years later, my grandmother, who lived with
us, died very suddenly from a stroke, just before my cousin's wedding, that she
was looking forward to very much. I was so upset at the funeral, and I missed
my grandmother, who was always full of uncommon wisdom. Then not long
after that my parents split, so there was a bit of confusion there, too. During
this time one of our friends took his own life, so this was another source of
confusion. This confusion, the diluted sunlight, has occupied my thoughts for
years. Part of me blamed myself for not being there, or being able to prevent
these things that seemed to happen so carelessly, as acts of God. Which of
course was a simple answer at the time, that did not serve me well as the
years went by. My idea of living and life has changed. Now I have to make
sure I don't forget what I know now, which is a lot different to the thoughts
I had back then, which were typical possibly, for my age. And I don't "blame"
myself for stuff as much anymore, but this would go on the map of the heart,
I think.
copyright Monika Roleff 2006.
posted by Imogen Crest @ 9:44 PM
5 comments
The 
5 Comments:
The coldness will abate when you truly know you were not responsible for one of those happenings and accept that life, quite simply, is not fair. Observing nature has taught me how little control I have over anything, let alone my feelings. It is okay to feel.
Thanks so much Heather. It means a great deal to see these words in black and white. Thanks for your support. I agree, and the answer is true, life is simply not fair at all. Observing nature has taught me a great deal, too.
"I feel I can share some of the feelings...."
I think that this is a safe place, that we amongst others who will care for us and that is why I have decided to map the shards of my heart. Thank you for sharing Imogen and know that we truly understand.
This is so lovely of you to write this Sara, and what you say is true, that it is safe.
Monica,
Dear friend I was thinking as I read your "Diluted Sunshine"
Thinking of how events overtake our lives sometimes and we have to stand back and take stock,how sometimes we are so engrossed in others problems that we neglect dear friends and ourselves.
Neglecting our own needs when we should not...I often think it is a failing of women ,who are most often the primary careres, to take on others needs and bear the pain with them....Perhaps on many occasions we should let them find their own way out of trouble..point them in the right direction and let them do the hard work.....We are there to act as part of the support team.
Sounds hard but I have found that sometimes I do not have the answers for them ...I have the answers for myself born out of years of searching listening trying and then after travelling the road I find what it is I need to heal me.
We have become a nation of "Experts" who tell us all we need to know or so it seems...We get help from a Child Expert,a behavior expert,a marriage expert,a mid life expert and on and on it goes...
Someone once said "What has happened since women who filled their buckets at the well and talked among each other of their worries and then learned they were of a common variety and we are not alone"no experts in those days"....
Perhaps Soul Food is like that ...take in what is written listen and communicate and in the process heal....whether it be by writing, listening ,music, contemplation ,relaxation,illustrating or just passing on a wise word or two to others on the Road we all travel on.
Too late we often cry we are not responsible for all of the past or the present and we can never be....
We can only truely be fair to ourselves and if we are not then I believe no one else will care for us as we can ....
This I write from a 2 weeks of of trauma giving a roof over the head of a young woman and another young women who has issues I am not able to help her with except listen ...within reason listening....
I feel this week I need the safety of my home ,on my own, to rejuvinate and then I can start to write again..Life as we say is not fair ...but we must make it as fair for ourselves as we can,accept no blame and learn to love ourselves....
It is good to share our feelings in a place we feel safe and that is Soul Food .....
Love, Lois. 22.5.06
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