mapping the heart breaks 3

I survived my childhood!! And much to my delight and surprise was accepted as a student at the Royal Academy of Music where I was (and I intend a small brag here for a change) a prizewinner. I loved playing. I thought I would change the world by playing and talking and insisting on the fact that music was THE international language and that I could be a channel for peace......small dreams!!

Studying in London was freedom. I was anonymous, could come and go as I pleased, could befriend whom I liked, and I grew up and began to enjoy life. I had the usual love affairs but when I was 22 I was invited to a party given by a close friend. I wasn;t going to go - wasn;t really in the mood. When I arrived I started to talking to a small blonde man, who at the time was a sailor in the merchant navy. I knew I had met my husband immediately - there was no doubt at all in my mind.

My parents were Orthodox Jews. My husband was in the merchant navy....the two don;t mix.

I was married in 1975 and have not spoken to my parents or brothers or sister since.
For months I dreamt about them, had nightmares about wandering around in a fog.

My heart broke then, and has never really healed, even though my marriage lasted 29 years.

Several years later I had a miscarriage in the year after my beautiful daughter was born.....another shard, another splinter. Poor baby. So unwanted by anyone apart from its mother.