marked out heart

"Of course you know it isn't going to be that easy," the bees buzz. As I'd now shed my skin, they are free to fly around me for the first time. I am touched that they don't make a big deal out of this, or berate me for hiding them from view. They seem to understand that our symbiosis is not an easy one for me.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, walking naked in the world is not easy for humans, never has been," they explain. They are happy to let their wings buzz freely, and sit quietly on my shoulders, my skin as I walk.

"Humans who take such risks have been prone to ridicule and misunderstanding, and some have even been thrown into jail," they say.

"I take your point my dear hive, but this is a different place, and my nakedness is more about the opening of my heart than anything else," I say.

"We were just getting to that actually...don't you think we know you by now?"

I wonder what they mean. It's true, the bees have always been with me. Or almost always. They made their appearance as I came into puberty. It took me years to understand my relationship with them, long hard years that resulted in stings, rashes, battles that left me scarred. And then, after the first six year cycle, falling in love, honey released through my skin, I understood. They knew my heart better than anyone.

"You do understand what's coming, what's involved?"

I stop on my path, my first faltering step ever since I started the journey.

The mapping of my heart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I sat down to do this, I thought I knew what the outcome would be. I thought it would be about the heart breaks, I was prepared to write about ex-lovers and wrenched goodbyes and premature endings. Nothing prepared me for what actually happened. First I drew a picture, and it didn't turn out like I expected, but then I knew that it was true, because that's just what life is like. I studied it and realised it looked like the surface of a moon, marked out by craters and spots.












I knew I had to take a deeper look, and decided to do a word map of my heart. Inspired by the suggestion below by Faucon of Sakinel, I typed words at random on a blank sheet of paper. Then I freewrote responses to each word. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that most of what I wrote was about my mother. My heart seemed to be all about her. And what I was writing was not pretty. I got negative, dark, angry. But I made sure I ended in a good place. I made sure I ended with the words opening, doors, path, grace, love, heart, now. Because that is where I am.

So it's turned out to be both map and unburdening, which I now offer to the Rainbow Priestess on this humbling journey.